Thursday, April 30, 2009
For the past few days I have felt spiritually low. Since I have just found my spirituality I do feel this a lot. My belief's are not defined in a book or can I go to a church. For me its more personal and I have to go to places where I feel the Universe. Where I feel there is something bigger then me out there. Like looking at the sky or the ocean. The best way to describe my spirituality is like an ant hill. We are all the ants working toward the same goal. We all play are part but we are all connected in some way. No one is more important then the other but as a whole we are all very important. Meditation helps me in this times of lowness but for some reason I have had a block. So instead of ignoring it (like the old me would have done) I dug deeper to find out why!
Finally after a small pity party I found out that I can't handle a lot of happiness in my life. I know that sounds crazy but I have been a negative person my whole life. For about 7 months now I have been trying to change my way of thinking and live a healthier life. Happiness is a stranger to me. I can only handle it in small doses. I forget to look at the bigger picture to be grateful that I have all this wonderful bliss in my life. That I'm lucky enough to be a stay at home mom in this bad economy. To be able to pretty much do what I want all day(of course when the kids are asleep!) Its so easy for me to get caught up in all the mundane things in this world. I chose to focus on this things but forget to bring the focus back to me. To see how I feel and what issues I need to deal with. Its so much easier to blame other people for my problems and bad feelings. Of course that's not healthy or being responsible for my actions.
The reason I write this on my art blog is that my spirituality is connected to my art. I feel like I'm doing my part for the ant hill when I create. This is my job to tap into my creative flow and make a tangible representation of my view. When this lowness is in full action my creative flow is like a dried up damn. I second guess everything I create and can't do anything that feels right art wise. I feel unworthy of my talent. I know this feeling does go away and I can't believe how childish I have been acting. I know this is a learning process for me and I just have to keep working it, I know I'm worth it!!
Thank you to all that read this it helps to write when I'm in my low state of mind!
I hope all of you are spiritually strong!